Electric weirdness

I've spent the past eight days in partial darkness. To quote my maintenance man: "This is some Twilight Zone shit going on in here."

I've been sick with flu-like symptoms for almost two weeks now. It's been hell. Eight days ago I was taking an afternoon nap because I had a hoity-toity social function to attend, I was sick, and it was important that I be there. I decided to rest up, and I set my alarm clock to prevent oversleeping. Being the lazy bum that I am, I hit the snooze button. When the alarm went off again, I shut it off and went to my bathroom to take a shower. The lights in my bathroom would not turn on. None of them. I went back to my room, and the power was out there, too. My living room, however, had full power. My alarm clock had gone off no more than 30 seconds earlier. I called maintenance and it took them three days to come out here. They sent out fellow #1, who couldn't find the problem (he checked the fuse box, just like I had before him...no trouble there). He had some fancy voltage meter thing that shows that I have electricity coming from all the outlets in my bedroom and bathroom, but nothing works in either room. I had to move my "office" to my living room floor, where I'm sitting as I type this. I can't sit at my desk because I can't plug in my computer or broadband router or lights or, you know anything. So, the past eight days I've been sleeping on the sofa, bathing in the dark, and doing hair and makeup in the hallway. It's tiresome. More electricians are supposed to be coming out next week. If they still can't find anything, I'm going to start flying kites with keys attached.

Much love,

Zoe Doom

Freaky Stalker / Sharkies!

You know those car rental commercials where the person's regular car is all jealous of the rental car, and is saying things like, "Oh, so she just goes to Miami and leaves me here for two days, and I'm supposed to pretend like she doesn't smell like new car? Oh, she was with a Prius. So suddenly she's an environmentalist," dripping with sarcasm? (They are showing the commercials non-stop during hockey games, so I've seen it, like, a million times.) That voice makes me cringe EVERY time I hear it. Waaaayyy too realistic. I've heard that voice before, and it's not a good sign. I don't know who that commercial is targeting- psycho ex-boyfriends? Disturbed individuals who relate to cars? Stone Temple Pilot fans? I'm not going to say which rental car company the commercials are for, but I'm never renting from there again. Seriously. Who is their ad agency, Stalker, Domestic Violence, and Murdered My Ex-Wife And Her New Boyfriend? Simpson, Dangond, and Peterson?

At least they are more tolerable than the eHarmony and Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Go Sharks!

Love, Tegan Jovanka

And this is why I hate answering my door...

I live in a weird neighborhood. Not weird-good, but not necessarily weird-bad, either. Just weird. No one ever knows what I'm talking about when I try to tell people where I live. It's the land that Seattle forgot. It's not West Seattle, it's not South Park, it's not SeaTac, it's not Burien, it's not even White Center, really. It's Top Hat. Yes, Top Hat. It's far away from everywhere I want to go, it's close to some rather sketchy parts of town, but my rent is really cheap so I stick around. Some people make fun of me for living where I do, but hey, at least I don't live in Kent.

I went out with a friend last night and returned home a little after 1:00 in the morning. I was still awake and alert, and thought I would wind down by watching The Office on DVD. At approximately 2 a.m. I was halfway through the Season 2 finale when I heard some screaming and a loud, deep, booming voice yell "Get on the ground, now! On your knees!" So, I paused my DVD and went to my living room window. I peeked outside and there were flashing police lights everywhere, and I could see two police officers with their guns drawn. I heard a guy yelling "I'm down, I'm down!" or something to that effect, but I couldn't really see him. There are many trees behind my apartment, and I couldn't see the street too clearly. I could also hear a woman crying. The yelling continued for quite some time, and I eventually saw the cops drag a man in a white t-shirt and jeans toward the cop car. I couldn't get a look at the man; I couldn't even tell what ethnicity he was. He and the crying woman were yelling to each other, though the man did most of the yelling. "I loooooooove you! I love you, baby! You're my heart, my HEART!" He also started crying for his mother. I don't think his mother was there, but he started yelling "Mama, I love you! Help me, Mama!"

The police put the man into one of the squad cars, and began to question the woman. I'm not sure what came of that. I only heard more crying. The cop cars were still around when I went to sleep around 3:00.

This morning I looked at the news online to figure out what had gone on. Apparently, the guy who was crying for his mother had shot a 78-year-old man for not letting him inside his house to use the phone. Some reports say that although the victim did not know the shooter, he had seen him around the neighborhood before. I wonder if I'd recognize him. He had apparently attended an "alcohol and marijuana party" prior to the shooting. I've been to many parties in my life, and many of them were "alcohol and marijuana parties," but I don't recall people getting shot afterwards. Weird.

There are a lot of wannabe gangster types in my neighborhood, but they generally don't bother anyone. The shooter hid his gun in the bushes about 20 feet from my window, which is why a lot of this transpired right outside my living room. The victim is expected to make a full recovery, which is great. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to die because a stranger shot you after you didn't let him into your home in the middle of the night.

---Zoe Doom

Odd

The past 24 hours of my life have been weird enough to warrant a blog entry.

One of my old college friends is in town visiting. I hadn't seen her in over six years. We decided to have a movie night. First we watched the perennial bad-movie favorite, Troll 2. I'll probably write more about Troll 2 later, as it is a very weird but very important part of my life. We also watched Gozu, which left a bad taste in my mouth. It was Japanese and billed as a horror movie, and though it was horrific, it was clearly not horror. It was a gangster movie with lot of lactation. Like, a lot. And weird genitalia. And...a soup ladle used in a way I don't care to write about. It was disturbing and gross. And I like wacky disturbing Japanese horror movies. I found my mind wandering through most of Gozu because I've had trouble focusing lately. That's a different story, though.

It snowed in Seattle today. It's the end of March. It's spring! I've lived here 12 years, and never seen it snow this time of year. The snow makes the next part of my weird day even weirder.

I have a cute little pet rat named Roman. He's my baby. Look at him. Isn't he cute?


Unfortunately, Roman (like many rats his age) is very prone to skin problems including abscesses. Because of this, I've been spending a lot of time at the vet's office lately. He also has chronic respiratory problems (specifically mycoplasmosis, which is a common ailment among geriatric rats). Roman has been on several antibiotics and I've had to have his abscesses lanced and flushed twice now. I was on my way to the vet today, when I had a coffee craving. I was early, so I thought I'd hit the nearest espresso stand.

Believe it or not, it took me a while to find an espresso stand. Usually in Seattle, you can't even spit without hitting a barista, so why on earth could I not find an espresso stand today? I drove for several minutes up a major stretch in North Seattle, until I finally came across a drive-through espresso stand. Excellent. The sign said "Chicka Latte" and the logo was a '50s-style pinup girl.

I pulled up in my car, and the barista was leaning against the window while wearing a naughty soldier girl outfit and thigh-high fishnet stockings. It was essentially skanky lingerie. Do I need to remind you that it was snowing? The other barista was wearing a halter-top/camisole type thing and a very short pleated skirt. I think she was supposed to be a schoolgirl.

I was a little thrown off by this. I just wanted coffee. I'm not offended by girls dressed in lingerie, but I want to be prepared to be around the scantily clad. I think that the store logo should have been more provocative in order to foreshadow things to come. I kept staring straight ahead because I felt like it was rude of me to look directly at them. This espresso stand is in the parking lot of an auto supply store. Very strange. I got my drink, handed over my money while looking at the girls as little as possible. I hope they make good tips, but it seems like they'd make more money at Hooters. Also, I think Hooters is less degrading than being forced to dress up like a naughty schoolgirl at work. Not much less degrading, but a little!

So, gangster movie with lactation, rat abscesses, random springtime snow, and nearly naked baristas. Um, yeah.

~Zoe Doom

Weird Food

I'm obsessed with weird food and drinks. I don't want to consume anything too weird, but I like knowing that the weirdness is out there. I was recently in the beer/wine aisle at my local grocery store, and was greeted by the following:




In case you're unaware, Clamato is a mixture of tomato juice and clam broth. I don't know why anyone would mix Clamato with beer, let alone cheap, light beer in a 24 ounce can. The label claims it is "the perfect combination," but I have my doubts.

Also weird: bread in a can.

I have a confession to make. Once upon a time, many years ago, I let my curiosity get the best of me and I actually purchased and tasted brown bread in a can. It wasn't nearly as horrifying as one would expect. It is, however, still weird.

Love,
Zoe Doom

Inspiration

Tracy Ullman is perhaps the Goddess of Weird. I love her! Jackie Collins is definitely weird, but weird in a good way? This website is overwhelmingly weird. Why is Anna Nicole the first picture? Disturbing.

~Tegan Jovanka